I sent the following to Christany, cutting her off for good? We started arguing about this whole mess as I had Adult Situations and Langage t with her a few days ago.(START EMAIL)> Tiffany Let me brief as to why I made the decision I made. There is nothing short of my making a snap decision to leave The Witch for good and dedicating myself mind, body and soul to you after we slept together that would have been adequate for you. There would be no easing into it, no time to let things run their course, no nothing. I will not give you reassurance that I cannot give. Nor will I lie and say something to patronize you. You will never understand how I could possibly be closer to you and, also understand that my situation has not changed. I tried several times to get you to think logically and you lashed out at me every single time. You told me that you had a friend you slept with to come to stay at your mothers for the weekend. All I said was to have a good time. I never suggested anything else. With my being engaged to someone else, what would you have me say? Would you want me to treat you like you are my woman? Of course not, if you had any sense anyway. I do care about you. When I was with you, you were the one I wanted to be with. I was telling the truth when I said that. I also however, didnt back down from any position regarding The Witch though. Before you went to work out with Wendy your position was that you werent coming over because I didnt back down. At least I didnt plan (to see you) it anyway. When you called that night, you asked me about coming over, I said "If thats something you think you can handle Id love for you to come by". Not at any time had I said anything to suggest the situation external to us (The Witch, etc..) had changed or would change Thursday morning. I said it was a risk. You said you didnt like that word, I kept using it anyway. You said your feelings would change afterwards. I was cool with that, the situation never changed though. Feelings do change after sleeping together. I felt a lot closer to you. The rest (external to us) had not changed. Years from now you will understand. There are some things that as a parent you dont know that I do. There are also some things that I know about life that I know that you dont. You are at an age where you are no longer listening as I was when I was your age. (I also was married, had two children, a townhouse 2 cars, degree etc..) Thats your prerogative to be that way. Lashing out at me saying "you are predicting my future.." or "acting like my father" when I was trying to explain my actions to you was childish. I am 35, degreed, self-employed and a seventeen year veteran in what I do for a living with teenaged kids. I know you (may think you) are just as experienced as I am. I am going to go out on a limb and say you arent. Your parents are more my peers than you are. Lets just say that I know what I am doing. My success, material and personal, speaks for itself. Might I suggest being with younger men, so the two of you can grow as people together, perhaps someone who is more like your young friends? I understand you want someone more mature but you have to have some maturity to offer yourself first. Its unfair to want something (maturity) you cant give yourself. You dont want to be around men (regardless of age) who are immature, but the older men you want will not put up with you when you act that way. I included; I already have a daughter who is not too much younger than you are. I hope you learned something from this experience. The one thing I learned is how much more I appreciate The Witch (who is 36) and what she and Tabitha bring to my life. I dont have to teach anything to her, mold her or help her grow and more importantly if we do have something to discuss she will listen without lashing out, without saying "I dont need you acting like my father" and crap like that. LOL! Even if I was not with The Witch the end would have been the same, for the same reasons which are why I decided not to deal with you any more. Take care of yourself Tiffany. Perhaps well talk again someday but for now, I dont think its a good idea. The great thing though, is that you and everyone you know agrees with me. Right? LOL!

Its been a busy two weeks. I have been working on this project that is killing me. "The Witch" is back in school and we havent been seeing as much of each other as I would like. I figure I"ll break into her car (I have a key) and leave some flowers in it. Perhaps I"ll get lucky. LOL. I also have to make some hotel reservations for next week (Valentines Day) Hotel sex is the best! Since I dont have a bunch of women to deal with it will also be cheaper than last year. I can spend more cash on "The Witch"..

I cant believe it. The Witch and I are sitting on the couch waiting for her daughter to get ready to go out when her ex decides to stop by. Well to make a long story short she went to see him last weekend and he is came over to have me ousted from her life. She told me that she told him to go on but I don't believe it. The most screwed up thing about it is that she went to him. I have never been so directly hurt. What do I have to say though? I just got done screwing Christany a few days ago. How arrogant of me to get pissed right? Anyway almost to tears I got up and left while she was babbling about how she cant be without me. I drove over my friend Jims house got drunk and passed out.

I decided to meet The Witch at Champs in Addison for a summit on this situation. In spite of everything that has happened I cant seem to live without her in my life. We talked frankly about what happened and all is mostly forgiven. Im mostly ok with it. With guilt + Christany hanging over my head I cant say a word about anything. What a situation. Right now I just want the whole thing behind me. On my way home I told Christany I cant give her what she wants and to leave me be. Like its supposed to make it all better. I question if I should even be in a relationship now.

(From The Witch) I received your voicemail message about coming by later. I wont be able to make it as I have other plans. Ive been thinking about everything that has happened in the recent weeks and I think that I should not commit to a relationship. I think that I need time to get myself together. I know thats not what you want to hear but, thats the way I feel. I expect that you would like for me to be sure about the relationship and about Mister Ex. I dont want to put you or anyone else for that matter through any unnecessary drama. Again, I think its the best thing for everyone involved. I wont make that any difficult that it should be. I will not bother contacting you in the future. Youve been through too much. Take care. The Witch

Well I cant beleive it. After everything that has happened The Witch has decided that she is not ready to be in a relationship. I am in shock.

Well I made a few calls and started up the party machine announcing my availability and it looks like I already have one to step up to the plate. I suppose these days its good to maintain friendships. It makes for an easy transition to single life I guess. So, into the fray goes Christany. She lives about three miles from "The Witch".. I will see her tonight.

Well I booked a trip to go see Kat Kat in Sacremento Ca, spending the cash I would have spent on flowers + hotel etc for "The Witch". Just got the flight + hotel done. I am stoked. I"m actually excited to go.

I had dinner with Christany earlier today. She was a little aprehensive though but, all and all a nice time.

I have been having some good conversations with neenoman. Things are looking up a little bit with her. Good thing I never told her I was previously involved, I changed the tone of the conversation and she responded favorably.

2/18/03 I went to visi t Viva. Adult Situations, Language and a diabetic reaction folowed. Ugh. I still feel bad.

02/13/3 I cant beleive my network is down. The next few updates will be in succession as recorded during my adventures while it was out.

02/13/03 I met with Kat Kat in Sacremento. She was dressed very nice, and smelled very good. We went out to dinner and had a great time. Just when I we were talking in my hotel room, I get a call "The Witch" Introducing: The Temple. She is 29 and beautiful. All I can say is wow. No kids and works at a bank. It gets no better than that. I talked to ther until 12AM Pacific or 2AM Central about the breakup and issues surrounding it. She was miffed that I called her daughter to say goodbye. I told her that I did not want to run the risk of being told not to contact her anymore and decided to call her myself to say goodbye.

2/14/03 I talked to "The Witch" again this morning. She said she didnt sleep at all last night. Frankly I didnt sleep much either. I called Christany and The Temple and wished them Happy Valentines Day... Cool. Tabitha called me to ask if she could hang out with with me and, if I would be with her mother Vbalentines Day. I told her "Your mother does not want to see me, I was serious about that". She got mad and hung up the phone. She needs to take that up with her mother. I didn’t do it.

2/14/03 Christany is being difficult. She said she was because she didnt want to get her hopes up after I got rid of her because of "The Witch". I also talked to The Temple. As of 6:50PM PST Kat Kat is on her way. Looks like Valentines Day is getting started in earnest. I hope to forget and to get my hands on Kat Kat again...

2/15/03 I got a call from "The Witch" at about 10PMPST or midnight. I was still out with Kat Kat at the time at what I would describe as a fabulous Chineese resturarunt in Old Sacremento. Initially I didnt know what number she was calling from but the list of regular numbers I know didnt click. I figured it was her and all night it was buzzkill, wondering and somewhat hoping it was her calling. Problem is, I still love "The Witch". I always will love her and her daughter. But remember folks I got kicked to the curb so, time for more Adult Situations and Language with Kat Kat.

2/15/03 AM I had a short conversation with The Witch, I guess she is now "ready" to be with me and that her reasons for telling me to go have been resolved. I suppose I should also beleive her. More buzzkill for my weekend with Kat Kat. Damn.

2/15/03 PM Kat Kat and I went to one of her friends homes for a combination Jambaliah (spelling error) dinner, discussion group and CD listening part. It seems that her friend Mike produced a CD. It was a cool afternoon with family and friends. The discussion group revolved around relationships. Afterward Kat Kat and I went on a really nice dinner cruise on the Sacremento River. It as really nice. I took many pictures. I wrapped up the evening early because I set my departure time to Sunday instead of Monday as I had originally planned.

2/16/03 I got a call from "The Witch" to lure me over there with Dinner. It worked and now I am finding myself back with her again. The big problem here of course is shutting down everything I had going. Crap! This includes doing in Christany again which I did already when "The Witch" and I got back together last year.

2/17/03 So noW everything is back to normal now. Right? Actually yes they are. As quick as things screwed up while "The Witch" called herself getting herself back together everything is now back the way it was. I suppose this was cold feet or something like that Anyway Now I got to press the "Undo" button again and pull the plug on Kat Kat, "The Temple", and "Christany" You know, I should have more faith and perhaps not go back to my old ways so quickly? Well, when you get an e-mail that says "I will not contact you again, you"ve been through enough" you get the message..

2/19/03 I am still getting calls from "Christany" Let me see. I dropped her because of The Witch, and less than a week after seeing her I now have to tell her that I am back with The Witch again. I"m sure she"ll curse me out and, I deserve it.

2/20/03 I talked to Christany today. She came right out and said "You want me dont you?" I replied "Yes", but if you arent willing to move on, then its all for naught. I am going to let this fade to black again. I suppose I should have never started it up immediately when The Witch told me to go a few weeks ago. In other news, Today is "The Witch"s" daughters birthday. The computer I intend to give her is done and, has an eeeeerie blue glow from the neon lights and other blinkies installed to make it palatable to the average teenager. I also had a conversation with "Jabba the Hutt", my first wife and the mother of my children this morning regarding The Witch and my children. I told her she needed to chill and that I would not permit anything to happen to my children but, that there will be hell to pay if she decided to get jealous and start tripping. Anyway I am looking forward to a "Family Day"

2/031/03 Family Day was great. Tabitha had told me a while back about wanting a computer of her own and, wanted one with the window and the neon lights and other mods that have become popular with enthusiasts these days. So, last month I built her one from scratch. I took her with me when I went to CompUSA Frys and other stores buying the stuff that went into it (blue LED fans, etc..) So, I pick her up from school and bring her to my home where she went to my office to use my spare-parts PC. I ordered her out of my office and told her to sit down at her own PC which was running in the dining room. She freaked out, ran up and hugged me.. Nice to make someone happy. The Witch showed up about an hour later and we had dinner and the obligatory birthday cake. Christany called and wanted me to come over. Somehow, I think I was where I belong last night.

Last weekend was well nice. Friday was yet another family day with The Witch. I spent the night at her house, bought clothes to wear Saturday and then went out Saturday night. I had a good time. I spent part of Sunday afternoon at Christany. That was also nice. She is hesitant and well, has every reason/right to be. 2b honest I really want to be with The Witch but nowdays I sit in front of the computer waiting to get an ambush e-mail (dropping me) or something like that. Whenever I am at her place I am waiting for some drama to occur or, having to confront her ex, dropping by for a visit. I cant live that way and wont. So I am wondering at this point really, who should get dropped by me here??

So, now Christany is pushing for the lock, which I cant give her. I am going to maintain my safety net until I know I am not going to get ambushed by The Witch again.

OK, Today we have been shut in by ice in Dallas. It took me an hour yesterday to do a beer run. Here is the rundown. Everything is cool with The Witch. Christany called and said she basically wants to resume Adult Situations and Language conditional on my not planning to marry The Witch. I hung out with Cowgirl this evening and had a nice time. No further comment. She says there are 2 many bad memories from being involved with me earlier 2 do anything else.Viva? Period. Period. LOL. The Witch is still having crying spells and other psychological trauma from the loss of the baby. I have my own demons 2 deal with. Unfortunately I cant help her. I know that. There are some newbies coming over the horizon. Some that predate the bachelorlog that are coming back. Details at 11.

Today the ice has thawed but The Witch was too scared to go into work. So, she has decieded to stay in a third day. I asked if she wanted me to get her she said no, and hung up the phone. I decieded to send flowers. Understanding about the whole baby thing I have deecieded to be supportive. In my mind though I am already preparing to move on. Right now I just dont see her being ready for anything but chaos. I however, deserve better than that. Why should I deal if I got Christany, The Temple and Rodeo Girl (A new/old one) offering me a better deal? Right now it looks like I loose if I do otherwise.

Real time update: Christany is here. I think I am gonna be late getting in today.

Well I got Christany out of the house and off to work. Damn, she is irrestable.

This is a chat with Christany, I have been messing with her and it was just about to pay off.

Me: Youve got mail..
Christany: hey you
Me: Hey
Christany: Im reading it
Christany: standoffish?
Me: Its the only word I could think of.. But kind of accurate
Christany: lol
Christany: not at all
Christany: I knew you were teasing earlier, I didnt think you thought I was coming over for a quickie
Me: I still think you are afraid.
Christany: Of course, Im naturally cautious
Christany: even without that, you can
Christany: cant expect that Ill just jump in were I left off
Christany: emotionally or physically
Me: so why did you say you were ready yesterday when you really arent?
Christany: I am ready
Christany: to begin
Me: Begin what?
Christany: Im not "there" yet
Christany: what do you want?
Christany: begin whatever...lol
Me: In what context?
Christany: what do you want Bachelor?
Christany: from me?
Me: I want you to let go.
Christany: hello?
Christany: so that I can fall flat on my face?
Christany: lol
Me: So that you can fall in love
Me: Tiff?
Christany: Im here
Christany: Not sure youre ready for that
Christany: when I love, I love hard.
Christany: deeply..
Christany: not sure you understand what that means
Me: why wouldnt I?
Christany: because, you just left a relationship.
Christany: I guess I dont think youre ready
Christany: but then, thats not for me to decide, right?
Me: Correct.
Me: You know I care about you.
Christany: I know Bachelor
Me: Really?
Christany: yes really
Christany: I know
Me: So what do I have to do?
Me: Let go for just one day..
Christany: so what if I let go, realize Im in love with you, and then you let me know that I cant have you
Me: That goes both ways..
Christany: yeah, I know
Christany: but there are still times when I cant reach you, and I think, oh hes with someone
Christany: or The Witch
Me: That goes both ways...
Christany: yes, but I dont mind telling you where I am or who Im with. I have no reason to lie or be deceitful,
Christany: you know that with me, if The Witch ever comes back up, Im gone, I could be a security net for you
Christany: you could be talking to me now, waiting on her to take you back.
Christany: then I lose again.
Me: If I needed a security net, I know where to go. I have The Vultures circling overhead all the time.
Me: I dont need to go to all this trouble.
Me: I am talking to you because I want to
Christany: lol
Christany: okay Bachelor
Christany: what next?
Me: What do you mean?
Christany: what do you want next
Christany: what do you expect me to say or do?
Me: I have asked you only but one thing.. Let go.
Christany: well see, will you be patient?
Me: I have been.
Christany: does that mean times running out?
Me: No.
Me: Not yet.
Me: But if I dont have a chance in hell I wish youd just say so. I will understand.
Christany: okay
Christany: please
Christany: thats not whats wrong
Christany: here
Christany: you have a chance, just wondering how much of a fair chance I have
Me: Meaning?
Christany: meaning, just not sure about what is REALLY going on with you
Me: Here is the big picture.
Me: Sam sent an ambush e-mail.
Me: Thats done.
Me: The Vultures are always overhead
Me: I hang out with The vultures every now and again
Me: Most of the time I am being the workaholic I know I can be.
Christany: I can take nearly anything, as long as your honest with me
Christany: you should know that from The Witch
Christany: I can be understanding, as long as youre honest with me
Christany: if you lose me you lose a chance for genuine love.
Christany: and you strip me from my chance at loving unconditionally
Christany: I dont deserve that. My intentions are pure
Christany: I have no ulterior motive, I dont need a pacifier
Me: As I said before, If i need a pacifier, i need not contact you for that purpose.
Me: I am here because I want to be.
Christany: I dont want to hurt anyone, I dont want to be hurt
Christany: I dont want to be a conquest
Christany: I dont want to be involved in some game or scheme or plot
Christany: I just want a fair chance
Me: Give me a little credit.
Me: If I was plotting I would never have sent you away. That would be stupid wouldnt it?
Me: I would have patronized you so I could continue to get what I wanted.
Christany: youre right
Me: I understand I should have done it differently and I hurt you but I did what I did to keep you from being hurt, because I really do care about you.
Christany: I trust you Bachelor. I just want it to be real this time. I dont want to get hurt. I cant explain it, Im just so afraid of being hurt.
Me: It was real.
Me: You know it was.
Me: If my feelings for you were not genuine I would not have sent you away. I wouldnt have been honest with you.
Me: It *is* real.
Christany: it sounds right
Me: Sounds right?
Christany: sounds sincere
Me: but
Christany: no but
Christany: just acknowledgement
Me: (Tiffany would sa So whats next
Christany: hmmm???
Me: Whats next?
Me: What do you want me to do?
Christany: I just want you to be patient with me
Christany: be completely honest with me
Christany: and dont hurt me
Me: I have been patient and honest with u. I will never intentionally hurt you.
Me: If you dont relax, you lose.
Christany: who really loses here Bachelor?
Christany: Im not naive enough to think that its going to be some automatic highway to love
Me: It isint
Me: What I should have said was
Me: How are we going to explore anything if u dont let me in.
Me: Im not saying we should jump in deep in one day
Me: but how about enjoying my company.
Me: Tha would be a start.
Christany: youre being silly. Its obvious that youre in, you just have to learn how to manuever. Youre a smart man..do your thing.
Christany: I enjoy your company
Me: Youd never know it the way you pull away from me.
Christany: maybe its you reading too much
Christany: Me calling to come there
Christany: pay attention to that
Christany: I could have called a half dozen other men
Christany: I told you Im not a kisser
Me: I am not talking about kissing.
Me: Or sex
Me: Im talking about when I hold you...
Me: You used to like being held by me.
Me: I think you would have pulled away in the park if it wasnt cold LOL.
Christany: I still do, Bachelor, maybe youre just reading too much into my actions, or maybe Im just not paying close attention to them
Me: When a woman has her arms folded and leans forward the body language is obvious...
Christany: Im not running away from you Bachelor
Me: Then what are you doing? You are sending mixed signals.
Me: I acknowledge the fact that u came by this morning.
Christany: of course not
Christany: not intentionally
Christany: Im here
Christany: Im offering myself to you
Christany: you just have to be the man here
Me: I will be if you give me a chance.
Me: Like you i fear wasting my time.
Christany: Im here Bachelor, damn what else can I do, considering the circumstances???
Me: Let go..
Christany: Bachelor
Christany: Im trying, Im here
Christany: I dont know what else to do
Christany: I wont close my eyes, I cant close my eyes, but Im here, Im here.